All the Horrible Girliness

I don't much know what I'm getting into, here. What I'd give almost anything for, today, would be to have the energy to go to the Bungalow, have a bikini martini, seared ahi, steak, and that chocolate souffle that isn't too sweet. I have this awful feeling that spur-of-the-moment romantic $150 dinners have gone right out the window. And I'm ticked off.

My mother is so excited - indeed, everyone else seems more excited than I am. My mom gives me explicit instructions on how to feel for the baby's first moves, because during her first pregnancy, she thought it was gas. Every girl wants to see the ultrasound pictures, and they all collapse into squeals when they see them. It looks like black and white fuzz with a little white shrimp in the middle. I don't see the attraction.

Did I lose this mommy gene, or was I born minus one? Should I blame it on the fact that I was bottle fed?

I have tried to console myself with baby thoughts. Little outfits, or just the idea of people I love holding a baby, or the little laughter. For each of these I can list seven negative things about babies, and don't even get me started on what happens after they aren't babies anymore.

Sometimes it'll hit me, that my belly is going to get enormous and I'm going to go through all this pain and I'll never have Mr. Aran to myself again, that I'll never do anything spur-of-the-moment again, and I nearly pass out. I must be an optimist, way down. During my auto accident, while the car was spinning out of control in the direction of a concrete embankment, I remember thinking, "I won't hit anything. I never have accidents." Of course, I did hit the embankment, and it was a major pain in the ass for months, and continues to be in some ways. I feel the same way about my pregnancy. I'm spinning, I'm headed right for the concrete, but in the back of my head I always think there might be a way out.

I'm a prisoner inside my sick goddamn body. I think I've had enough of being a mother.

posted by Samus @ 4:45 PM