All the Horrible Girliness

How To Be A Girl Who Doesn't Suck

This is an oldie. But who wants to hear about my morning sickness yet again? For your entertainment, I present:

HOW TO BE A GIRL WHO DOESN'T SUCK

Part One: STOP COMPLAINING AND DUMP HIM.



WHY YOU WHINE.

Girls love to whine. Their favorite thing to whine about is men. And their favorite men to whine about are their own.

Why do you go through all the trouble of maintaining a relationship that you hate? You spend all your time with someone whose hobbies and habits and career and religion and personal hygiene you don't agree with. Why?

Because deep down, you love to complain. This is the god's honest truth. Whenever something offensive or sad or negative happens to you, a little place in your brain actually gets excited. You get to complain!

This may have something to do with the fact that female-to-female relationships have a foundation of shopping and whining almost exclusively. "She's been there for me through all my hard times" can really be translated to, "She's listened to me bitch and moan roughly five hundred times a year since the sixth grade." This is how girls relate to each other. When there is no shopping to be done and nothing to complain about, girls resort to ruining one another's lives. So it's always best to keep a dumbshit boyfriend around, just in case you and a girlfriend have one of those uncomfortable silences. You know, one of those silences where, if one of you doesn't say something quick, you might just realize that your relationship is built on jack and shit and you're both shallow idiots.

Some girls think they're being proactive by trying to change their men. They do this by nagging, demanding lots of counseling, withholding sex and, you guessed it, whining. What I am going to say next is an unarguable commandment. It will never be amended. There will never be exceptions. Accept it as fact and move on with your life. I'm going to make it nice and big. You might want to frame this next part and put it somewhere you'll look at it often, like on the bathroom mirror. You ready?

NEVER TRY TO CHANGE A MAN.

It doesn't work. Even if you are the champion nagging queen of the planet, a man will only temporarily change in order to shut you up / get out of going to the counselor / get laid. If, by chance, you do snip off the man's balls by changing him long-term, he will resent you, and when you are forty and sagging, he will trade you in for a twenty-year-old who will giggle and coo at his belching.

HOW TO GET ON THE ROAD TO NON-SUCKAGE.

First, you need a goal. Because I'm a giving person by nature, I've provided you with one. Your goal is to not suck. Girls who suck whine a lot. Your goal is not to whine anymore. Therefore, you will have to create a life where there is nothing to whine about.

In order to do this, you'll have to find out what kinds of things you dislike. One way to do this is to tape yourself bitching to your girlfriend for an hour or so, then go back and take notes. If a sentence begins with, "I hate it when," add that tidbit to your DISLIKES list.

Once you have a thorough DISLIKES list, frame the fucker and put it on every wall in your home. You will be referring to it often.

SAMPLE DISLIKES.

Now comes the part where you get rid of the things on your DISLIKES list and become an unselfish woman of character who does not suck. Don't worry; I'll be with you every step of the way. Let's look at some sample dislikes and how to get rid of them.

Sample Dislike #1: When my boyfriend punches me in the face.
Solution: Dump him. Please note that I did not say, "Dump him after the thirtieth time because I provoked him and he's such a nice guy really." Dump him the first time. Girls who stay in abusive relationships suck.

Sample Dislike #2: When he plays video games all night.
Solution: Dump him. The part where you get yourself some valid interests will come later. Let's not even get into the fact that his hobbies at least involve some kind of hand-eye coordination and skill. He deserves a girl who can frag, and you deserve that pathetic guy who buys you lunch and listens to your problems. Girls who bitch about video games suck.

Sample Dislike #3: When he doesn't propose after we've been together X number of years.
Solution: Dump him. The guy doesn't want to marry you. I repeat: HE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU. Consider that another commandment. Chances are, all you really want is a wedding, because you're past your prime and can't get attention with your character / talent / education. If you're one of the .0001% who actually care about building a life with your boyfriend, nagging him into giving you a ring is only going to get you a rotten marriage, unhappy kids, an online affair and an ugly divorce. Girls who think their wedding day will be the best day of their life suck.

WHERE WILL THIS LEAVE YOU?

Alone. That's right. You'll be without a boyfriend. Chances are, you'll be without a bestest girlfriend, as well, because when you stopped bitching, it became really fucking annoying to listen to her bitch all day, and you decided it might be fun to sleep with her boyfriend.

This might be scary. Most of you have never had to be alone with yourselves. In the stillness of your own company, you have probably found that you are boring. Your first impulse will be to go out and find yourself a new boyfriend, to fill the silence with your own comforting nagging, but you should resist this temptation. Why? Because:

YOU ARE NO LONGER A GIRL WHO SUCKS.

Yeah, give yourself a round of applause.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY, NOW.

I never said you were a girl who was cool. That comes next. It's not going to be easy, sweetie, but it just might lead to a more fulfilling life. It will involve having character and interests. It will involve knowing more about yourself than what a Cosmo quiz can tell you.

WHY SHOULD YOU GO TO THE TROUBLE?

Don't think for a moment that you're doing this just to get me off. I probably won't like you, no matter who you turn into. What's important is reaching your own potential.

Let's say you get some interests and build some character and decide you'd like to have someone around to talk to and have sex with. As a cool person, you'd only pick someone about whom you will not complain. You will choose someone who you respect. You will build a meaningful relationship, a lasting marriage, and maybe raise some kids who won't dump you in a nursing home when you can't wipe your ass anymore.



Part Two-A: GET A GODDAMN HOBBY (Introduction and Getting Game).


SO YOU DON'T SUCK. WHATEVER.

You got rid of your boyfriend and your loser from-sixth-grade girlfriend and you haven't whined in twenty-four hours. Don't start asking me for key chains yet, girls. This is kind of like taking the red pill in the Matrix. You're on the right track, but you still have to get unplugged and slide down the nasty chute and know Kung Fu and look good in leather.

I bet you've discovered that you have a lot of free time now. You used to spend most of your day yakking at your girlfriend or nagging at your boyfriend or watching Friends, but now you no longer suck, so it's time to find something to do.

First, I'll provide you with a goal to keep in mind. The goal is to not be eighty, sitting in a wheelchair in the dirty, dark hall of a nursing home in your own feces, weeping. The goal is to build a community of people that share your interests, whether that be a family or just a really awesome set of friends who don't suck. With that in mind, let's move on to:

SOME HOBBIES THAT SUCK.

This is not about my personal opinion. This is about logic. For example, if your primary hobbies are shopping and makeup, that sucks. These things do not involve other people. They are shallow and self-serving hobbies that nobody who is cool wants to discuss. The idea is to make you an interesting person of character.

Some other hobbies that suck are:

Alcoholism. This is not a family / community that will stick around to wipe your ass in your old age, no matter how much they applaud when you sing karaoke. Besides, we're trying to make you into an interesting person, and alcoholics are only mildly entertaining when watching them on Cops. Alcoholics suck.

Trying desperately to stay young. It's surprising how many women consider this their top priority. You might be one of them and not even know it. If it takes you five hours from bed to front door to get ready in the morning, this might just be your hobby. Nobody wants to talk about this hobby with you (see paragraph above regarding shopping and makeup) and, even worse, you're guaranteed to fail at this hobby. Besides, the people you would surround yourself with, namely plastic surgeons and Mac counter girls, are scary. Girls who try to be twenty when they're forty suck.

Yourself. Do not choose therapy as your hobby. It's fine to be in therapy, just like it's fine to take a multivitamin in the morning. It is not cool to get so into your inner self that you forget that there are OTHER THINGS IN THE UNIVERSE. If, by the end of a lunch date, your companion is stabbing himself in the ear with his fork so that he won't have to hear you talk about your sponsor and your sixth step for another minute, you might just be your own hobby. If your conversations always seem to end with the other person checking his watch, excusing himself to go kill his grandmother, saying "My god; I don't think you've breathed for twenty minutes," or holding up a sign that says, CHRIST ALMIGHTY, DON'T YOU EVER SHUT YOUR HOLE? You might just be your own hobby. Nobody wants to hear about your latest psychiatric drug cocktail. If you begin sentences with, "My therapist says," you suck.

NOW ON TO HOBBIES THAT RULE.

The idea is to get good at something. People who are truly good at things are fun to talk to. If you get good at something interesting, people will actually come up to you and ask questions about it. This is the goal.

There are many different kinds of hobbies. You should have one or two primary ones and a varied list of passive interests.

Warning: This step might just require you to learn something. If you are averse to learning things, please go back to your dumbass boyfriend and your sucky life.

If you're still with me, let's discuss some different kinds of hobbies. These should be jumping-off points for your own ideas and interests.

GET SOME GAME.

I'm talking about competition, whether you move your ass or sit in front of a massively multiplayer online role playing game. I don't give a shit what you choose, but everyone needs a healthy dose of antagonism in their lives, and this is the way to do it without comparing your ass to every other chick's on the street.

At the top of the game ladder are sports in which you can learn how to kick someone's ass. If your game involves eye-gouging and head-butting, you're on your way to self-respect, ladies. Martial arts are a great way to go, especially if they're the kind where you get to hit stuff like bags and mitts and pads and each other. Tae Kwon Do is allowed, but it's at the bottom of the cool ladder. This is the Twenty-First Century, for godsake. Nobody needs to kick anybody off a horse.

If you aren't much into competing, dancing is a great way to get some game. Breakdancing, Flamenco, Salsa, Ballroom, go for it. I will even accept country dancing, as long as you confine the fringe wearing to the dance floor, so I don't have to see it. Dancing often has the added benefit of needing partners. This is a phenomenon called "Meeting people who have similar interests." This is how you're supposed to begin relationships with people. Relationships that start with "Can I buy you a drink?" and "Wow, we bitch about the same things!" suck.

Although treadmills and stairstepping machines are good for you, much like multivitamins and therapy that you shut the hell up about, they're not good game because there are no communities surrounding running and going nowhere. If you want to run, join a running group or run marathons. Running marathons is cool. Telling people about how many calories you burned makes them want to dig your eyeballs out with melonball scoops. Nobody cares how many calories you burned.

There's never been a better time to be a girl gamer. Not only are there lots of interesting, addictive video games to be mastered, there are very few chicks doing it, and unless you're playing console sports games, many of the other players are men with educations and careers. These are good things for a potential life partner to have. The downside is, if you are playing online, you will not know what your potential life partner looks like. The upside is, he will not have to know what you look like, either, and if you're spending ten hours a day playing Everquest, your stinky, fat ass will prefer this veil.

During this process of transformation, you may accidentally discover that you have a brain. If you'd like to use it, I suggest games like chess and pool. I'm not talking about the kind of pool you play in a miniskirt after having had a few glasses of whatever's on tap. I'm talking about the kind of pool that requires planning and precision, skill and mathematics.

Note: We're getting into a tricky area here, so I should expound. Gambling is a hobby that sucks. There is nothing cool about taking out a second mortgage so you can pull the handle on a slot machine all day. We're looking for a community experience here, something that you will be able to do that others will respect you for. Plus, if you choose gambling as a hobby, you won't even be able to afford the nursing home. You'll be shitting yourself in a cardboard box somewhere. And talking to yourself.

FAIR WARNING

Please remember that no matter what game you choose, you're going to humiliate yourself doing it at first. Accept it, laugh at yourself, and move the fuck on. Girls who quit because their dignity is bruised suck.

Additionally, having game does not mean that you get to feel superior and turn into a raving bitch, unless you are me.

And you are not.

Me.



Part Two-B: NON-GAME THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.


GET INTERESTED IN SOMETHING.

Contrary to popular belief, there is a world out there beyond your evening TV dramas, and there are things to read besides bridal magazines and the Cosmo sex quiz. If you are starting out with no interests at all, I suggest going to your local bookstore.

Warning: Most, if not all, of the things you will have to do as a cool girl will require at least some reading. If you detest reading, please go back to your regularly scheduled Friends episode.

Start at the magazine rack. Look through the science and current events mags. Stay far away from the Women's Interest section, as those magazines hedge their bets on women having no interests outside cosmetics and having a bikini-ready tummy.

Take a walk through the nonfiction section. Grab whatever catches your eye. Go through History, Art, Religion, Health. Psychiatry is fine; Self Help is not. The idea is to find something that you can learn more about so that you'll be able to have meaningful conversations. Nobody wants to listen to you talk about your abusive childhood and what it means to your chakras.

Spend a few minutes in the fiction section, however: do not be sucked in by romance and/or chick lit. A romance novel is easy to sort out: they're the ones with the silly Fabio covers and the plots about pirates and women in distress and men who change. Chick lit, however, is not so easy. You might find yourself twenty or thirty pages into a chick lit novel before realizing you've lost a few thousand brain cells.

Chick lit novels tend to have "Diary" or "Boy Next Door" or "Groove" in their titles. The heroines of chick lit novels are chicks in their twenties or thirties, usually unmarried, usually obsessed with their weight, usually with careers in publishing or advertising (though they spend little time actually working). They're unlucky in love, have a gaggle of stylish girlfriends, usually one well-placed gay friend, and drink lots of lattes. They count calories and quote self-help books and say things like, "Maybe I should try not sleeping with him on the first date." There is always a scene where our heroine is dressed inappropriately for a party. Our heroines are rewarded with weddings.

Ew, ew, ew.

THERE'S A POINT TO ALL THIS READING.

People get together to discuss their interests. There are classes, lectures, clubs and readings surrounding intellectual interests, where you will find people with your same interests to talk to and invite over for anything but Scrabble, for god's sake.

Don't be afraid to go into debt pursuing an education. Educations can lead to a career and a community, unless you're getting a liberal arts degree, in which case you're doomed to teaching, or unemployment, and the sullen, boring life one lives inside one's own skull.

Quick recap:

Going into debt for education: Fine
Going into debt for a wedding: Dumb

OTHER USEFUL HOBBIES.

You should have some interesting skills besides tying cherry stems into knots with your tongue and getting tattooed. Use my suggestions as jumping-off points for your own crazy ideas.

COOKING.

Taco Bell is bad for you. There is no reason on God's green earth why you should still be going to McDonald's, post-Happy Meal toy childhood fun. Besides, eating out is bad for your body, thus bad for your game, so it's time to learn how to cook.

Start simple. Remember the bookstore? There's a whole section of cookbooks. Thumb through several of these. You can build up from there. Find a few that look relatively simple, with ingredients you can get all at one place for a decent price. If you have a mother who cooks, this would be a good time to call her.

You could also specialize. Wouldn't it be cool if you could make your own beer? Have elaborate dessert get-togethers, where things are lit on fire? How about getting geeked up about coffee, maybe getting one of those pump-action jobs, or an espresso machine, or something. My point is, instead of mindlessly consuming your food like a cow, put some thought into it.

CREATIVITY.

Get into music. Learn to play an instrument, buy CD's, make mixes, go to concerts. Support those cool local bands who play at cafés and bars on weekends. Don't support the guys who can't hold a tune and don't know which side of the guitar is up but think they have Something To Say about one of the following: The Environment, Government, Love. A good side hobby might be taking what you've learned in your martial arts classes (See: Get Some Game) and kicking the shit out of these people in dark alleys.

Learn to draw, paint, sculpt, make jewelry, whatever. BE CAREFUL: The men you meet while learning art may take themselves very, very seriously and not shave nearly enough and wear too much black and hair gel.

With much trepidation, I will finally suggest that you might write. Keep in mind that you will probably be very bad at it. Just because you know how to write out a check doesn't mean you can write a story. That takes time and practice and patience. Also, it seems to make perfectly normal people into the kind whose favorite hobby is themselves. Watch out for the warning signs I mentioned (See: Some Hobbies That Suck: Yourself).

RELIGION.

As long as you keep this hobby generally quiet, except within your own religious circle, this is a great thing to do. Everyone needs structure and morals and guidelines, and couples who have the same structure and morals and guidelines have a better chance of understanding one another. Stay away from any religion that requires you to:

Drink poisoned Kool-Aid
Kill/maim/hate people with beliefs differing from your own
Be a loud, obnoxious asshole about it

COMMUNITY SERVICE.

When your cat has fleas and the car is dirty and you have a zit the size of Montana, nothing makes your problems seem small like helping out people with real problems. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to break the law to help out in your community. Volunteer to help the homeless, the infirm and the sick.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY

to being a person of character. Now that you have interests and perhaps even a career worth talking about, it's time to move on to making friends and dating, which should be a natural progression of peeling your ass off the couch and getting out.

posted by Samus @ 2:05 PM