All the Horrible Girliness

Farting Cashews Is Bad

Here's a little something nobody told me about pregnancy: Your bowels get lazy.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not what I signed up for. I wanted glow; I wanted attention; I wanted an epidural. Instead, I get farts.

The other day, I wanted cashews and dried apricots. I wouldn't call it a craving. To me, a craving means digging a chocolate cake out of the trash so I can eat the entire thing while sitting on the toilet reading Esquire.

Not that I've done that. Yet. But that is a craving, not thinking, "Hey, unsalted cashews and dried apricots sounds pretty good, plus I can eat them easily while playing WoW, and they're healthy for baby!"

This lazy bowel thing was one of the reasons I figured I was pregnant. I have my movements on a fairly tight schedule. I don't like to push or rush, and one day I found it just wasn't going to come. After a few days of gravity, and not muscle, doing all the work, plus perhaps the sensation of agony every time a breeze touched my nipples, I bought a test.

So I satisfied my... whatever... for cashews and apricots. I didn't even eat that many. But for days now, my shit has been apricot-colored and my farts have smelled of cashews, to the point where, if you offered me a million dollars to eat a cashew or dried apricot, I'd probably have to turn you down.

I just never got the chicks who wanted desperately to be mommies. Maybe all the babysitting helped knock that silly crap out of my hemisphere, but it seems like so much work. Anne Lamott wrote of being tired enough to get in the shower fully clothed on accident just after her son's birth. Maybe the teenagers with a ton of jing and stupid parents have an easier time of it.

I don't mean to sound like I don't want to have this kid - if, indeed, there is a kid to speak of this time - I do. I have wanted one ever since I laid eyes on my husband, and not before. He is so brilliant and beautiful, I cannot imagine his DNA stopping dead when he passes on. Plus, I have great lips. A kid could do worse than my lips.

But christ, please, enough with the cashew farts. I need a nap.

posted by Samus @ 6:02 PM