All the Horrible Girliness

In my quest to give real pregnancy information, as well as gross you out as much as possible, I offer the following facts.

1) The advice sites say to try different positions and use lots of patience while having sex. I had no trouble during my first and second trimesters. During the first, I was sick as fuck but also horny as hell, all at once. I'd wake myself up from sleep-masturbating, then have to decide whether I should try to fall back asleep, finish myself off, or throw up. Second trimester, the hormones weren't so crazy but the energy came back and my boobs were awesome, so things went fairly normally, except I looked down more. Seventh month pops up and bam! Women in restaurants are giving me that angelic awwww smile, old ladies are congratulating me at church, and I have what feels like a squirming volleyball between me and my goddamn orgasm. Patience? Mr. Aran must spend half our sessions reviewing the Pythagorean Theorum in his head. I'm all in my rhythm, I'm talking dirty, things are good, then oof! The kid moves just right, I cramp up, cry out in pain, twist up, stop, stretch, breathe, scoot to the right, try to shove the kid back into place, then start again almost from scratch. Repeat.

2) When the kid moves, it doesn't feel like magic. It feels like that rolling, rumbling awfulness right before the diarrhea, except without the sick feeling.

3) Walking is fine, for awhile. You get tired remarkably easy. What's really weird is standing. You stand still for ten minutes and everything starts to go black. Something to do with circulation. It means you can't go looking through the maternity rack for that one garment that both does not cost more than your rent and also does not have that fugly thick blue band of obvious stretchy material around the waist. In lieu of passing out there on the floor of Ross Dress For Less, you figure you'll staple paper towels around yourself for the next three months. Would make cleaning easier, too. Spray some 409 on the floor and rub my boobs all over it. How's that for a mental picture?

I wish I had time for more grossness, but I have a long night of bathroom trips interrupted by catnaps coming up and I can't wait to get started.

posted by Samus @ 11:37 PM