Also, setting the stairmaster on high and then draping your entire upper body over the armrests, holding yourself up, also gives nearly ZERO FUCKING RESULTS.
The idea, you complete fucking morons, is to simulate a real walk or run up a real hill, or a real trip up the stairs. Would you walk up the stairs at a ninety degree angle?
Look, I know you're all at the water cooler at the office, bragging to yawning co-workers about how many calories you burn on the machines. These co-workers are wondering, silently, why you're still such a fatass. The ones stupider than you tell themselves, "Well, that guy works his ass off and it does nothing for him; I may as well have another Snickers and put off that gym membership."
I cannot tell you how annoying this is to me. Why should I give a shit how these people use the machines? Because I have to have a stellar view of their ass while I'm behind them? Because I know they're checking out my display and thinking I'm a weakling? Or because it's just wrong, wrong, wrong!? Could be any of the above.
The weight room is kind of a scary place for me. Before pregnancy, I went there all the time, but I didn't make eye contact, didn't look at anyone else, tried to stay out of the way, just did my thing. This is because weight rooms are notoriously way too goddamn small. I couldn't do a squat without sexually harassing someone. Plus, guys in the weight room are tripling their testosterone with every rep, and they feel like they get to comment on you. Your routine, your progress, your ass, whatever. They're sure you're doing it wrong, that they can help you, you poor princess. I didn't have much trouble with this, due to the aforementioned lack of eye contact, but my trainer had to deal with this shit from guys all the time. She's this certified trainer with years of experience and research on her and every eighteen-year old with a Men's Fitness subscription felt like they could give her a pointer or two.
Mr. Aran tells me the idiots in the weight room are even worse. You see them, with dumbbells three times heavier than they can carry, doing bicep curls with their backs bowed all the way forward, dropping the weight maybe three degrees because if they ever took it down anywhere near perpendicular, their arm would tear off. These are the same assholes who drop the weights on the floor or crash the plates down on the weight machines.
When I went to a gym with a heavy bag, it was pure entertainment to watch people try to punch and kick that thing. When I walked into the room, their intensity would rise to silly levels, flailing their arms and legs in an attempt to show the girl what a badass they were. It was fun as hell to sit calmly aside, wrap up my hands, and ask if I could work in a round. Once they got a load of a girl hitting the thing - not like I'm Rocky or anything but in comparison to them, I was Bruce Fucking Lee - they didn't come back for another round.
Hey people - you're not fooling anyone but the other morons. Plus, you're setting yourself up for minimal results and injury. We're all laughing at you. That is all.
posted by Samus @ 4:32 PM
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