All the Horrible Girliness

I am no good at making friends. I don't have any at present writing. I have acquaintances but they live far away and if I had to have lunch with somebody tomorrow it would be a difficult task. Many of them are nothing but words on a screen to me.

It's about who I choose, or who's attracted to me, I guess. I come off loud and assured, so I get people who are quiet and needy. My last attempt was a supreme disaster, almost costing Mister Aran his job. Long story. Boring, too.

Over the years, I've gone through a lot of pain over this. I've complained and I've siphoned off Mister Aran's friends. Truth is, I'm pretty solitary. Even back in school, I stuck to one friend or one boyfriend and put my everything into that relationship, so it's no surprise that I have a fantastic marriage and no physical friends. For the most part, typing online to my acquaintances a few times a week is enough. But it sometimes gets to me, and I start down the spiral of worthlessness until I feel I have nothing to offer, that I try too hard because I'm a waste of a person.

So I'm in the bathroom with this George Saunders book. If you haven't read George Saunders, run, don't walk, to the library or bookstore now. I'm having a hard time re-reading his stuff, though, because it's tough. The people in his stories are real victims, or at least he works really hard making them appear to have no say in their situation, and that's tough on me because my personality hates bullies, wants to help the truly unfortunate, and ultimately I often become the bully and end up hating myself. I know that was a mishmash but it doesn't matter because I wasn't going to talk about George Saunders. I'm saying, I was on the toilet thinking about taking a trip down the worthless spiral and then I remembered something: I can throw a punch.

If someone asked me what I've accomplished, at least I could say, I can throw a punch.

I can also throw a roundhouse kick, and recently my left roundhouse has caught up with my right. I can throw it Thai or Savate style, even though I tend to call the Savate style Froggy-Style, which is a horrible racial slur and I'd be glad if it didn't get out that I say this.

I can write a short story and I can write a novel. I can give birth to a child.

It went on like this while I stared at the cover of the George Saunders novel.

I can be patient with that child, which is pretty amazing to a lot of people. I didn't know that about myself, that I could be very patient with a baby, but I am, unfailingly.

I can choose a good man, and I can make him laugh.

***

Last night at kickboxing class I was on the other side of a heavy bag from Mister Aran and we were kicking back and forth, both very sweaty and tired, and over the music I yelled, "Fuck this; let's quit and get fat and play video games."

He yelled something back that sounded positive so I said, "I could be level sixty if not for this crap."

He yelled, "I could..."

The music was loud.

I said, "I could be exalted by now."

His reply drowned in the music.

We kept kicking.

posted by Samus @ 1:06 PM