All the Horrible Girliness

I'm trying to be patient with myself, because I have no choice, but it's hard. I've gotten my anxiety attacks back. Not in the full force of post-partum, but it's been tough. I can't even read books or watch TV in which people get hurt, because I feel it myself, and I can't handle that bad stuff happens in reality. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep even at my most exhausted, thinking about bad things that have happened, bad things that will happen, bad things that probably will never happen but might. Embarassing things I've done run on a loop in my brain until I want to kill myself in the horror of it.

I think of the reading at the last mass I went to, which was a few weeks ago: "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Like I said, I try. I try. But the bad little gremlins live in my brain, and I have so much to lose now.

***

My left breast does her thing and is just fine, but my right is an overachiever. She's like that girl in class who raises her hand really high and goes like "Ooh ooh ooh!" She makes way too much milk and gets way bigger than her sister and when she gets too full, she makes me want to cry. I'm trying to pump out the excess, because that nipple is all

HOT
SEARING
SHOOTING
PAIN

right now, but it gets all blocked up and I can only get a few ounces and I just want to cry with the pain and hopelessness of it.

But I'm trying.

***

Update:

I hate that the best way to get the boobies back to normal is to breastfeed, but it's true. I slapped the kid on my overachieving girl and Lamaze-breathed through some of the worst minutes of my life and then it was over. All the lumpy hardness went away, and she's breathing easy.

***

I went to Blizzcon to share the Samus with the world for a couple of hours, on Saturday. Apparently, the crowd was bigger on Friday, but I got what I came for. I got to see a bunch of geeks in black tee shirts; skinny, gawky girls decked out in costume; slow-eyed booth babes... it was all good. I even met a few more FOH guys. They all looked like healthy, contributing members of society. I gave them all raucous hugs, they stiffened up and then bragged about it later.

Because I am awesome.

posted by Samus @ 9:11 PM