All the Horrible Girliness

The TV Post

If I were planning on having any other babies, I'd have them for Sarah Silverman. I have been looking forward to watching Jesus Is Magic forever. When in hell are they going to release this?

I loved watching the Pamela Anderson comedy roast. Everyone was sufficiently mean, sometimes over-the-top mean; Tommy Lee's penis was mentioned some eight hundred times; Sarah Silverman compared Jimmy Kimmel's balls to her grandma's house; Andy Dick grabbed Pamela's tits and made pew! pew! shooting noises with them. Most of all, I watched the couch where Sarah, Jimmy & Adam Corolla sat, and I wished I could be sitting there, too. I need some depraved, hilarious friends.

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Mister Aran hates celebrities. He always did, I think, but then they started starring in their own reality shows on Bravo and VH1 and solidified his hatred. He turned away in disgust during one part of that Being Bobby Brown piece of shit show where Whitney starts talking about the poo she needs to take. I think she describes it as a "boatload." Mister Aran is under the impression that, at one time, she was graceful and classy, a real diva. I tend to think she was always sort of crack-ish, as (I think) Chris Rock put it. I asked Mister Aran whether he thinks the drugs or Bobby Brown came first, and he thinks Bobby Brown came along because of the drugs. And now there's kids, right, so I figure in their case, drugs are keeping the family together.

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We used to not watch any TV. Now we watch bad TV. It's not a good thing. It's just tough to type while I'm feeding The Bug, and often I'm trying desperately to not fall asleep at 3:00 a.m., so we watch TV.

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We prefer reality shows like Project Runway and even America's Next Top Model; they deliver just enough Heidi and Tyra for glamour, characters to hate and root for and a big payoff. Damn those long-ass marathons. I've lost whole weekends to that shit.

And of course, there is always Kyan.



God bless Kyan.

My good friend from school gave me a look when I said I had a crush on The Kyan. Hey, it's not like he (the good friend) is going to get any of The Kyan either. I can crush all I want.

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Mister Aran has a hell of a time rating things in order. So we tried to rate sitcoms, and he was just no fun. I'm doing the hard work, trying to compare Ab Fab to Scrubs, figuring out whether Family Guy counts, bemoaning the unfunniness of The Simpsons, quoting hell out of The Tick (the live action one, dammit).

I'm just not into Seinfeld; sorry. I downright hate Curb Your Enthusiasm, though I guess I can respect what it's trying to be. I can't stand shows where every fucking character is both detestable and boring. Kramer makes Seinfeld just barely eek by. Enthusiasm seems determined to make the viewer uncomfortable. I'd have a better time eating two bean burritos and then going for a run.

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The Sopranos is excellent, though sometimes I have to turn away. For opposite reasons, I love The OC; it's like Beverly Hills 90210 with balls. Maybe you could say I have the slightest Peter Gallagher fetish. I love that Play-Doh mouth. Alternatively, Laguna Beach is pure shit, if you ask Mister Aran, and scary, if you ask me. Rich kids lacking any wisdom making choices and decisions that should be made by adults - not to mention the "Like Factor." Living in Los Angeles, I may not have even noticed the "Like Factor," except I've been watching all my TV with the Closed Captioning on. You never know when The Bug's going to shriek, plus I don't want to disturb him and the entire house with my TV noise at night. Try that sometime. Watch Laguna Beach with the Closed Captioning on, and you'll see the "Like Factor." It's maddening. And it's proof positive that TV needs writers. Real people are boring.

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Today, I'm putting The OC season two, plus Six Feet Under, on my Netflix queue, the latter so Jen will stop bugging me about it. Plus, then she'll have to watch Carnivale, which needs a second season even more than America needs a new president.

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Why oh why aren't Sarah Silverman and Patrick Warburton huge, huge stars? Because I'm not in charge of Hollywood, that's why. Someone needs to start a letter writing campaign. Me, I need a nap.

posted by Samus @ 11:11 AM