All the Horrible Girliness

I think my vagina knows I hate it. I am not a fan of vagina. The older I get, the less gay I get. It's not like I wouldn't kiss Jessica Biel, and live with her, and cook her pancakes every morning, and have lunches in places that serve sparkling lime water and salads with almond slivers, and sleep wrapped up in her 5000 thread count sheets with her. I'm not saying that. But I still wouldn't get into her panties. Maybe over the panties. I'd let her ride my leg, is what I'm saying. On her birthday, my hand. So I don't know if that means I'm a little gay or not. I'm thinking probably no?

Chuck Palahniuk said that horror is when you tell the stories people are afraid to tell. So here's the biggest sociological horror story right now: girls? Those little twelve-year old princesses? We grow up. Mostly our minds don't, though. Even if our minds grow up, we still think we need to emulate that fresh twelve-year old experience. Chicks with those stickers on their cars, labeling them Daddy's Girls, this is what we're talking about. We're talking about all the shaving and waxing, the hair coloring, moisturizing. And what's more, we think we're letting people down when we can't keep up anymore.

So let me break it to you ugly: vagina is difficult. It refuses to play along. I guess mine was once pretty and pinkish. I didn't look at it then and I don't look at it now. It's unexplored territory, basically. It's the jungle. I take care of it, or I try to. But when she gets sick, I'm always too embarrassed to talk to the doctor about it. I feel like I'm letting the doctor down. Like he or she will look down his or her nose at me - in this picture, the doctor somehow always has spectacles - and shake his or her head slowly. Or sigh. Ever had your doctor sigh while making the notes on the clipboard? I have. I have a vagina that makes doctors sigh.

This is for all you out there who thought I might be just the kind of twelve-year old vagina you would like to put your penis into. I hope I have dashed that theory once and for all.

You know, if I had a penis, I wouldn't put it in anything. Penis is precious. I'd wrap it in ten inches of cellophane before letting Jessica Biel go at it, even. That's how strongly I am in favor of penis, and anti-vagina.

posted by Samus @ 9:09 PM