All the Horrible Girliness

This Little Piggy

I am not the worst priest ever, because I do not think I am a mage and I am willing to learn. However, I am not the best priest, either. I am the worst good priest in WoW.

I have a big mana pool. You wouldn't know it, though, because I like to push the wrong button, sometimes several times in a row, using my highest mana cost buff over and over, until I have a sliver of blue left and a tank with a blinking red avatar.

Malgura was warned before we ever set foot into Razorfen Kraul, I promise.

Pickup groups are a bitch. Most of the time, the annoyance is your run-of-the-mill loot whore or RTS-style zergfest or shadow spec healer who thinks whoever has the most aggro wins the game. There was one famous warrior way back who said he was a rogue too, who demanded all agi loot, who also demanded leet shields even though he didn't have his defensive stance... because he was a rogue, dammit! He was my favorite. I used to group up with him just to watch him go.

Bad pickup groups can make a four-hour dungeon crawl feel like work. It's supposed to be fun, for fuck's sake; it's a game. Don't worry, Samus make it all bettah.

In addition to Temuchinx and Devotchka and all the wonderful people in his guild, I bring you Malgura. I sent an invite out to the guild - twinks and newbies, we're doing Razorfen Kraul. I didn't expect any takers. Rorg messaged me, thinking we were going to do Downs, but I broke his heart. Then Fulorian messaged me, asking if his friend Malgura would be welcome.

Mr. Aran and I are jerking off at the entrance to the instance, killing one thing at a time. I'm a 45 priest (yes, still, shut up), he's a 28 warrior, and we're thinking we can duo this thing at least to finish his warrior quest. I invite Malgura, and everything changes.

First of all, Malgura was there, at the instance, ready to go, in ten minutes. I swear, they should put minigames at the openings of instances, because people normally spend an hour there waiting for people to fly, zep, vendor, eat, mop up the sticky remains of their cyber, whatever.

Malgura is a 30 shaman. He's one of those EQ sweethearts who spent years as a cleric. He knows that if he doesn't laugh at my jokes, I'm going to let him get way the hell down in hp before I throw up a heal. He likes to pull. He knows how to play his class. Most of all, he knows where he's going. Mr. Aran and I haven't been to RFK before.

RFK is full of piggies. There are piggies on all fours and piggies walking around on their hind legs with flags on their backs. There are piggies with guns and pet hyenas (I don't know, don't ask). And there is one gi-huge-normous piggy who liked me very much. I couldn't so much as scratch my ass without gaining this big boy's attention.

For most of the mobs in RFK, I would take a little extra aggro, just stand there and throw up heals on occasion while the add piggies nipped at me, because at level 45 they were missing an awful lot. Whenever Mal and Mr. Aran finished off one mob, or I hit 25% health, I'd fade, the piggy would turn his back on me, and I'd first-aid up.

I was using this tactic, sort of, with Big Piggy. He was going to market on my ass, Mr. Aran was at 50% hp, I threw up a heal...

...

...heal still throwing...

...

I have a screenshot of this moment. My entire screen is filled with piggy face. My hp is at about half. My spell cast bar is full. My hands are full of magic. I am so ready to throw this heal. For thirty seconds, that's my screen. Bad time to have a lag spike, yes?

Apparently, Big Piggy did not have the same lag problem on his end. When it ends, I'm dead, Mr. Aran is dead, and Malgura is blinking red. In any other group, this is the wipe. I'm typing out my thanks to Malgura for the fun time when Big Piggy leashes. He turns around, wiggles his ass a bit, paces, and then it turns out that Malgura would like to rez me. I push the pretty red button.

Big Piggy went oh-so-fucking-down after that. It was during this second fight that the prophecy was fulfilled. Thinking I was shielding Mal, I buffed him instead, and my mana went bye-bye. Good thing we are all so leet.

We made it all the way through. I personally kicked the ass of the bitch crone piggy at the end, who has some maniac ability to replace her mana 100%. By the end I was nuking fuck out of her, screaming, "Just die already!" Then I took the ring off her finger and bolted for the front door.

Didn't make it. I would have, but I got lost. This is what happens when you just follow your tank around, making wisecracks.

Thanks to Malgura and Mr. Aran for a pleasant piggy experience. And again: if you're a cool boy or girl, add Malgura to your friends list and make use of him.

posted by Samus @ 9:04 AM